God speaks to us in all times

10/18/23

This is by far the most vulnerable post I’ve made, to date.

Have you ever had times in your life when you thought you were unredeemable? I think about the movie, Spirited - on AppleTV, that came out last year, coincidentally in the middle of my wilderness period, when I was in the thick of the darkest part of my life. I wasn’t ‘Wadeing’ through my life. I was sunk and drown, asking God to not let go of me because - for those Die-Hard Grey’s Anatomy fans, I didn’t jump off the side “of life”, I fell off the side and stopped fighting. I sank. I was exhausted. I had zero fight in me, yet, I still heard HIS voice. My pastors have been back in my life since covid hit and very close to me and my family. Even with them walking close with us, I had never felt more alone and more in shame in my entire life. 

Psalm 22:19-21 (NIV) But you, LORD, do not be far from me. You are my strength; come quickly to help me. Deliver me from the sword, my precious life from the power of the dogs. Rescue me from the mouth of the lions; save me from the horns of the wild oxen.

This was early 2022 and my body started panicking. It didn’t want to die. ** Queue the panic attacks and anxiety attacks.** I felt I was going absolutely crazy. I can pinpoint exact reasons for these things, however, I also know when God wants you to “get got” there is nothing that will prevent it. This involved losing my ability to regulate any feeling in my body, it seemed, which meant I had problems managing my very high stress, high functioning, high paid and high trajectory job I was in and all the teams I supported… which evoked even more panic attacks and anxiety issues. I didn’t know how this could be God. I didn’t know how God could be real and put me through this. How could my family be put through all of this? After we just lost my Stepdad in October of 2020 and now I’m getting hit with all of this? I had such an innate need to do good in this world, I couldn’t understand why when I was finally getting traction on doing good in this world and helping others to do good, why now was I being hit with all this struggle?

I would pray “Lord, don’t let go of me”…

In the darkest of my dark, there would be late nights on my couch when I sat on my couch late at night and I would hear ‘just take the whole bottle… you got it in the kitchen, just take the whole thing’. I would ask God, in those desperate moments, ‘God, please don’t let go of me’… I knew God was real, even I didn’t feel it. I prayed every night over and over “Jesus… protect me, protect my husband, protect my girls. Protect each one of our souls, bodies, minds and spirits.” I would pray this and I just knew that God was real. I would know that I know that I know that God is the most real thing even though my mind was being tormented and I felt like I was broken, I asked God to not let me do something crazy like take all those meds. God brought my husband to me, whom I had waited my whole life for and I had 3 girls who will need me. Even though things are rough now they won’t always be. I heard from God in those moments. He told me things would be better and I knew for certain that things could.

Still, I isolated even further because I felt such shame for what I was going through, now? How could I have reached this point in my life, accomplished this much, reached this point and now I am beginning to literally lose my mind? I knew better than to allow this to mentally derail me, but it did. And yes, I allowed it to. But I also fed into the shame for a short period at the beginning, I believed the lie, I didn’t protect my mental health. I did allow it to shame me to the greatest extent. And to add insult to injury… I am a superfan student of Brene Brown! I have read almost every piece of work she’s done and listen to her podcasts, all her shows, books, all the things, I find it. I mean, I want to work with her so much!!!!! This stress of isolation and panic / work / family / health put my body into a higher state of auto-immune response, more than I was already in. About 6 months later enter COVID / Long Covid again, which I didn’t know this was going to be for the second time. 

This put an additional strain on my mental state and body that couldn’t I couldn’t hold any longer. I broke so quickly. There were some extenuating circumstances that helped exacerbate this process with my job at that time, but what I believe is God was doing a work in me that had to happen no matter what. I just needed to get on board.

God had to break me to rebuild me. 

Psalm 25: 1-5 Prayer for Protection, Guidance and Pardon.

To You, O LORD, I lift up my soul. O my God, in You I trust, Do not let me be ashamed; Do not let my enemies exult over me. Indeed, none of those who wait for You will be ashamed; Those who deal treacherously without cause will be ashamed. Make me know Your ways, O LORD; Teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; For You I wait all the day.

If ever there was a Lazarus story in the making, I am that person. Also, my best friend could tell you her Lazarus story, too! We are indeed spirit twins. It’s one of the things we had no idea we had in common when we met. I felt I was next to dead last year and maybe I was. But, as sure as I am writing this now, I was brought back to life earlier this year. I was physically and mentally sicker than I’d ever been, in the lowest point of my life, AND, getting kicked when I was down. I had no where to go but up unless I wanted out. And I knew I wasn’t getting out of this life. I had 3 girls to care for, to finish raising. My husband was my greatest gift God ever gave me, next to the girls. God had saved my life TOO MANY TIMES and rescued me from too many traumas and trials for me to give up because of something I didn’t even understand or even know what was defeating me. So I was dammed if I was going to let some unknown, unnamed, unseen ‘thing’ destroy me. God spoke to me in gentle ways in those days and sent VERY SPECIFIC and VERY KEY people into my world at those times that I needed to hear from and see to know that He was still very real. 

Psalms 139: 23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

Time after time, these trials reminded me of being thankful in all times.

Being thankful in times of trials and testing. In fact, I had the conversation with someone about this on Friday. We have to be so grateful for this each time we are tried like this… if we don’t find thanks for it, we will fall. The key is, as we’ve said a million times… staying in a position of gratitude. Staying with a solid focus that my life is to simply serve the will of God, be the hands and feet of God and not serve my own pleasures. And to find gratitude in His work in my life and what I can do for him. When I go through periods like I have in the last years, I have to simply be grateful that I am still here and still able to be used to glorify Him. 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

James 1:2-6A Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt.

Without going through pressure / fire / trials, silver cannot be refined and purified. Even a diamond cannot turn into a diamond without being put under tremendous pressure. 

I will try to share more of this story, as I have a LOT more to share, but for those who are in a season of wilderness like mine, where you are lost in your own mind… know you are not alone. You are loved and God will still speak to you no matter where you are. Know there are others out here who have gone through similar stuff like what you are or are in. No matter what, you are not judged, you are supported and people are here to support you. You can go to Onecitychurch.org to get more information and support. If you need immediate support you need to call 988 or 911. 

These can be spiritual battles. Do not let the enemy win. (Reference previous blog) You are worth the fight.