When I first moved to Memphis, I joined a church that was very small. Everyone knew everyone and was very tight-knit. I like it that it was small enough to have the small town feel but big enough that I could be lost in the crowd. I was there for many years, I help them grow into one of the mega churches in the area and left when I witnessed several friends (who were also key leaders) become hurt by them. I had some really deep emotional wounds, some i was working through while here and some i got as a result of being here. 

I went on a few mission trips and through a year long leadership development program. at the end of this program i received a few prophetic words from leaders that were devastating. and I was, at that point, blackballed and cast aside from leadership. i was not allowed to participate in further leadership programs even though I was key a leader for all their campuses in the church already. This broke me as a new believer and mom and leader of others in this church, much less as a new believer and just plain human.

This alone didn't send me on a crash course for my future... however, none of us knew i was about to go through one of the hardest times in my life (up to that point) and would need my church family immeasurably! It would have been so wonderful to have my pastors then, guide me and help me navigate the words they had received for me... Alas... here we are. 

Currently,

I attend a small church. My pastors have been though A LOT of stuff (haven’t we all) and I love them fiercely. I've been under their leadership since 2012, essentially. They are my spiritual parents and I meet with them regularly. They are helping me heal from one of the hardest times in my life and I’m eternally grateful for all they do for me, my family, our church family and our city. We are a tight-knit group in this church. We share a lot of stuff together, lean on one another a great deal and we spend a lot of time together. I know our other leaders pretty well too. We had a couple of people come with our pastors from a sister church to help plant this one. One fella is a wonderful young man, has a wonderful family. 

Triggers and Trauma 

During my priority time one morning, i read a passage in a book** “We don’t develop new responses until we develop new thoughts." It hit me out of nowhere…This why renewing our minds with new thoughts is crucial - “new thoughts come from new perspectives.” This is something we know, but I actually experienced it that day, it had not dawned on me that I had been carrying a load against one of the associate Pastors in my church that he did not deserve. God revealed something to me and gave me this new perspective on something by showing me how I was applying a wrong to someone that did not deserve it.

Just like with with trauma… We respond to triggers from the time we first experienced the trauma which is why we need to heal from the trauma. We respond in the same emotional mindset, emotional wounds, age, etc… All the sudden God revealed to me I was holding back in my dealing with the pastors, particularly one of them - in my service with the church and submission to the leadership, This revelation crushed me, that i would "disrespect" my leadership. I know each of my leaders very well, their families, their kids, spouses, etc... we're all very close. So, think I could be treating them any way other than with the respect they deserve hurt me to hurt them in any way... And I immediately went to God.... But I also knew i needed to address this. I text him immediately and asked for a quick convo with him. He called me when he had time.

Reconciliation

I apologized to him. I told him what I read and what had come to mind and said if I had done anything or treated him in any way that was ever demeaning or ill fitting… that I was sorry. I explained to him what the Lord was revealing and he said he would need to reflect on it, as we had been in fellowship for 2 years now, so there might have been some moments… I told him, I know now that I will make a point to submit to his leadership over our church and I will do better, he acknowledge and that was good enough for me. I also immediately started acknowledging I had some old church/pastor issues I had to deal with and i booked time with my mentors / therapist to do so. This is how we get the work done, friends. once you know about it, get it dealt with. You can do it, Friends!

** Credit to Craig Grochel - I was reading his book.